Remarkable correspondence from the consistently unremarkable world of email

Try and imagine the following excerpts written in scrawled cursive with No. 2 pencils on lined notebook paper with generous smears and eraser smudges. Send your essays on favorite actresses to inbox@rochester-citynews.com.

--- Michael Neault

From: Harmony Button
    To: Abby McCarthy
    Subject: Writing that is Wrote with great Effort
    Date:  September 13, 2004

    You might remember last summer, when, unscrupled educator that I am, I passed along
    an assortment of amazingly awful things my students wrote. These aren't quite
    as good as the essay about making the horse noise, but hey, the one on Angelina
    Jolie is pretty priceless. Oh yeah: the assignment? Not to describe your
    favorite actress, I'll tell ya that much...

    "Anjelina Jolie is my idol because she joins in the programs which are helding for the
    poor people or the people who need help....She's like a member of UN, and I want
    to be also like her...Besides this, I like her acting also."

    "If I do not like the topic, all the essay goes bad. However, I can write really
    good when I want to write. Not only does writing allow me to express myself,
    through writing I can explore Ideas in which I am not familiar with.... I am also
    not that good at writing poems or writing in old English i.e. writing in
    Shakespeare's style...In my opinion, writing is the best way to communicate
    between people, and people's true mind can be described only through the
    writing that is wrote with a great effort."

    "In another incident, a monkey's anus was broken when it reached beyond its cage
    bars to get nuts from a visitor. In the wild, animals would not have allowed
    anything like this to happen."

    "God's announting shall surely shine in your soul." (this same student also
    spelled 'Lucifer' as 'Luziver')

    "Wall-Fart: The wonderful supermarket where a Turkish friend of mine tried to chase a girl
    around, while I was entertaining some people with wearing bras and
    mini-skirts."

    "Our room is a place where all lambs are not functional."

    "The only thing I remember is that my feet were frozing."

    "...and finally, my lamest plane ride concluded."

    That's all for tonight. There will be many more to come...