Remarkable correspondence from the consistently unremarkable world of email
Last reminder: the deadline for the best subject line contest ends next Friday, January 13. If you're just tuning in, this contest is looking for the most unusual, funny, sad, and interesting subject lines. And that's all, just send the subject line, no need to send any part of the actual email. This week's column is your stereotypical breakup letter with all the usual clichés, but with a twist --- and it involves kidneys and "entities." Send your transmissions to email@example.com.
--- Michael Neault
From: Jenny P.
To: Marcus G.
Subject: Re: 28
hi dear, i want to email you right now because i have too express my feelings. First, i must appologize. I am so very sorry for the confused energies that i have been emitting over the past few days and esp. last night... I have no intentions of ever ever hurting you or being unclear with you but now i am afraid that things went so far that it might be unavoidable... Something in me deeeply wants to be close to you but after last night i know that it is not romantic or sexual in nature right now and my body has never reacted in such a way unless it is a warning that my boundaries are being compromised. My kidneys have not hurt like this in a very long time and i cannot ignore that. I also cannot ignore what happened with my alarm - it was just too wierd and i took it as a message about my lacking containment. Only an entity could have caused that and they always come in when there is a sexual leak... I was leaking energy so much last night and not being totally up front with you about the way my heart was feeling. No, i am not just numb and getting used to a partner. My energy is telling me that we are meant to just be friends. I have no idea if that is a forever but it feels that way. I hate so much to have to say this now instead of sticking to the way i felt last night but it is hard when such a good, sweet, sexy, gentle friend is kissing my neck and holding me. 2 years ago i would've been able to go there with you, but i have a different contract with my sexual energy now and i must mustmust be with someone that i am in love with and energetically/magickally compatible with or it would compromise more than just my kidneys. I took a sauna and am doing some energy clearing and doing my best to help my sore kidneys but i will need a little space to recover. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT AND YOU HAVE NOT HURT ME IN ANY WAY! ...You are so gorgeous and i am always your true friend.