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Best of Rochester 2013: Best Answers

Off-the-cuff, sometime off-color responses to our Best of Rochester 2013 Primary Ballot

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Spelling bee

"La Petite Pouting"; "La Petite Pouring"; "Pouting Truck"; "Me Petite Poutine"; "Poutite Poutine"; "Poutine: Have fun sorting through all of the spellings of that" (Best Food Truck)

Definitive proof

"Java's. Anyone who says otherwise has never experienced the state of elation one can get out of drinking a latte while listening to an Eastman student break down how it is possible to taste sound." (Best Coffee Shop)

Presented without comment

"Bear/Rats, eating each other's sex spots (St. Paul)"; "The 69-ing bear-rats (their love will last forever)"; "This is where I mention the bears, right?"; "Not those rats doing it, that's for sure!"; "The bears making out with each other"; "The one with the rats doing inappropriate activity"; "The two creatures fucking"; "Those rats 69ing. What's up with that?!" (Best Mural)

We need more information!

"Fergie the Tortoise"; "Fat black guy"; "SOME CAT ON SOUTH AVENUE" (Best Local Politician)

He's so snugly!

"Garth Afghan" (Best Local Dance Company)

Bonus?

"Swimming at Durand Eastman Park, plus you can usually find free condoms there!" (Best Cheap Night Out)

Photo or it didn't happen

"The first grader I stumbled across who drew a picture of ninjas fighting racism." (Best Local Artist)

Again, pictures or it didn't happen

"Temple Bar. Bill Murray stopped by on a rather eventful Saturday night, performed a rousing rendition of 'Tequila' by The Champs, and skedaddled." (Best Bar for Karaoke)

Leading indicators

"Any one where a lot of overweight people go; they mean business and that's a good sign..." (Best Buffet)

Prison rules

"Yoga Jones, 'Orange is the New Black.'" (Best Yoga Instructor)

The Tom Golisano Award for Funny Answers

"I want to say Tom Golisano but do wish he'd start having fun with naming places instead of just naming them after himself. Have a little imagination." (Best Local Philanthropist)

The HUGE picture

"Billy Fuccillo. I don't know if I'd buy a car from him, but he is to commercials what sand is to the beach." (Best Car Dealership)

Pick your poison

"I'd rather butt chug bleach." (Best "Plate")

Down, dog

"Don't know anyone, but my father is convinced he invented yoga." (Best Yoga Instructor)

Obligatory "they're all awful" answer

"'Best'? This is sort of a 'rate my poo' type question?" (Best Local Politician)

These were actual, individual votes

"Batman"; "Bruce Wayne" (Best Local Philanthropist)

Our features editor's very favorite answer of Best of Rochester 2013:

"I hope you're not sad about anything right now. Don't be sad. I love you, you're a beautiful person." (Best New Restaurant)

Nice try!

"That guy in the Village Gate that makes all his stuff. I hope this counts for him even though I'm too lazy to do a Google search. Help me out, City Newspaper Interns!" (Best Jewelry Store)

We'll keep that in mind for next year

"Don Alhart. He is Rochester's grandfather and the category should be switched to '2nd Best Local TV Personality.'" (Best Local TV Personality)

LOL

"BOB SMITH. For the love of god, if someone from NPR doesn't get nominated I'll lose my mind, all the shitty morning show people are the same. 'Tell me about your horrible date where you sharted and he didn't pick up the tab, wah wah wah' *Fart noise*." (Best Local Radio Personality)

Fun to watch

"The old whores at The Forum...." (Best Recreational Sports League)

Drum roll

"That guy who works the oil drum grill near the corner of Sam McCree & Genesee Street." (Best Barbecue)

So close...

"Monte Alanon" (Best Mexican Restaurant)

Purist.

"This is a crap category. I vote for Schallers, you can keep your onion straws and Kobe beef." (Best Gourmet Burger)

Obligatory "Your Mom" joke

"Your Mom, Home" (Best Massage Therapist)

Needs training

"My dog refuses to answer this question" (Best Pet-Related Business)

You'll need to be more specific...

"Anyone at Old Toad (love the accents)"; "Anyone who has a boob job, I guess?"; "Keanu Reeves guy at Tap and Mallet"; "Me (@ Havana Moe's); it's true, I have to vote for myself"; "NOLA's has nice looking male bartenders"; "That one guy at the Old Toad OMG"; "That new girl at Skylark"; "The brunette at Murphy's Law"; "The girl at Half-Pint"; "The Naked One"; "The Old Toad when the kitchen manager is working"; "The one that's pouring me free drinks." (Best Sexy Bartender)

So close, Part 2...

"Eric Canal" (Best Local Historical Site)

Fun with stereotypes

"That gay guy who's flamey....." (Best Stylist)

Some feedback

"ANYBODY but Rachel Barnhart. Retweeting everyone else's shit and dismissing any opinion other than hers does not equal anything close to what a good Twitter feed should be!!" (Best Local Twitter Feed)

Watch? No...

"What is a podcast? I mean do people seriously watch those things?" (Best Local Podcast)

Ouch!

"B&L laying off over 300 people, the start of its exodus out of here." (Best Local News Story of 2013)

We must have missed that one...

"Lieutenant Governor Duffy resigns due to hemorrhoids." (Best Local News Story of 2013)

She has expanded her services!

"The snuggler!" (Best Local News Story of 2013)

Presented without comment, Part 2

"I moved in March"; "Local Man Has Great Ass"; "The girl who felt obligated to name her hemorrhoid." (Best Local News Story Ignored in 2013)

This band really does exist, which is awesome

"Pat Buchanan's Hearse" (Best Local Band)

They're all winners

"That drunk guy who yells stuff downtown"; "The hobo that screams outside my window"; "The old lady that plays the organ at my church!" (Best Solo Musician)

...which naturally leads to this

"The recording of the hobo screaming outside my window." (Best Local Album)

So close, Part 3...

"Zazz Fest" (Best Music Concert (Large))

What's in a name?

"Rochester Museum of Art" (Received 20 votes for Best Art Gallery; does not exist)

Presented without comment, Part 3

"Any horses"; "My ugly neighbor and his ugly house"; "That log that's been stuck in the river by the library for at least a year. Could someone just give it a push already?!"; "That weird anal bead like sculpture near Village Gate"; "The Amtrak bathroom"; "The woman I work with, Julie" (Best Local Eyesore)

Not quite

"Gerry Syzadfkljadsfjamanski (I think that's how you spell it)." (Best Photographer)

From zero to hero...

"AMC Loews in Webster (huge reclining chairs and butter your own popcorn!!!!)"; "Come on...Webster now..."; "The new Webster Loews rocks but I'm sticking to the Little"; "The Little because I stay awake, whereas when I went to the Webster theater on a Wednesday I woke up on Friday." (Best Movie Theater)

So close, Part 4...

"Casa Larva" (Best Regional Winery)

You tell 'em!

"Any festival that doesn't have hot tub vendors, telecom vendors, and those damn spinny, copper, lawn ornament fountains." (Best Festival)

Bless your heart

"Lylock Festival" (Best Festival)

Nailed it

"6x6? 8x8? Whatever that's called." (Best Special Event)

Awwww

"Walking around Highland Park Neighborhood — pretty damn special to me." (Best Special Event)

It's ferocious

"Beast of Rochester." (Best Special Event)

But they won't accept singles...

"Any place on Monroe Ave; just break out your wallet and they will come to you." (Best Place to Meet Singles)

This modern life

Barrel of Dolls (3 votes); Craigslist (5 votes); Grindr (2 votes); Match.com (3 votes); Planned Parenthood (2 votes); Rochester Spa & Body Club (2 votes); "Van down by the river" (Best Place to Meet Singles)

That's your prerogative

"This is a complicated question. I'm not answering it." (Best Place to Meet Singles)

Ba-dum bump

"'Big Daddy' Don Garlits (see, he was a DRAG racer...oh, never mind.)" (Best Drag Queen)

Strong words

"Ugh! Why are there so many damn sports bars! Enough already, not everyone needs 50 televisions while having a beer." (Best Sports Bar)

Hubris!

"Me. You just wait until this novel gets published!" (Best Local Author)

Ouch.

"Rochester Police trying to pretend they don't beat up people; the courts." (Best Local Theatrical Production)

It's science!

"People are stupid, like .0008 percent of people actually can't eat gluten unlike the 88 percent of people who think they can't." (Best Gluten-Free Options)

It's supernatural!

"The main branch because is haunted. MUHAHAHHAHA." (Best Library)

In This Guide...

    Best of Rochester 2013

    Here's the deal
    Normally I start out the introduction to City Newspaper's annual Best of Rochester issue by blathering about the awesomeness of Rochester and making terrible puns based around that year's theme. I'm taking a different tactic this year — although there will probably still be puns.

    Best of Rochester 2013: Food & Drink

    Best Pizza Mark's Pizzeria. Many area locations.

    Best of Rochester 2013: Goods & Services

    New Retail Store Little Bleu Cheese Shop. 684 South Ave., 730-8296, littlebleucheese.com.

    Best of Rochester 2013: Local Color

    Best Local Politician Louise Slaughter. @louiseslaughter (Runners up: Lisa Jacques | Tom Richards | Joe Robach)

    Best of Rochester 2013: Arts & Entertainment

    Best Local Band Something Else (Runners up: Bogs Visionary Orchestra | Cherry Bomb | Sirens & Sailors) Best Solo Musician Mikaela Davis (Runners up: Johnny Bauer | Hieronymus Bogs | Ted Nicolosi)

    Best of Rochester 2013: Nightlife

    Best New Bar TRATA. 145 Culver Rd., 270-5460, tratarochester.com.

    Best of Rochester 2013: CITY Critic Picks

    Best Way to Fool Others Into Thinking You Cooked From Scratch Newbury Park Pastries' Chicken Pot Pie

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